When Grandfather Clocks Attack!
by horklump
Summary: In OOTP, Harry says that Lupin helped them fix the grandfather clock in Number 12 Grimmauld Place. This is what happened on that memorable day. Also, Sirius attempts to cook. NOT SLASH. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: JK Rowling and Warner Bros. own all the Harry Potter characters. Believe me, if I owned them, there's no way in hell Sirius would have fallen through that veil.

It was a bright and sunny Wednesday morning, and all was calm and peaceful in Number 12 Grimmauld Place. The birds were happily chirping outside, Harry Potter wasn't whining about his scar, and even Sirius Black was cheerfully cooking pork chops in the kitchen. Okay, well maybe that wasn't so wonderful, decided Remus Lupin as he casually strolled into the den. Even though the young werewolf knew his life-long buddy would later try to stuff his "masterpiece" down the lycanthrope's throat (Remus wasn't sure if you could actually call the shriveled, black pieces of meat "pork chops" after Sirius was through with them), he nonetheless decided it was a very delightful morning and began humming as he made his way across the room. And that's when it happened. As Remus was nearing the old, doxy-eaten couch, a large bronze bolt flew out of nowhere and hit him squarely in between his eyes.

"Ow! Damn it! Son of a b-," Remus caught himself from saying any more profanities as he noticed several pairs of eyes looking quite shocked at the usual "mild-mannered" werewolf. At that time, Sirius decided to make an entrance into the room wearing his "Kiss the Cook" apron that was covered in questionable scorch marks and little singed holes.

"What happened Moony?" the dark haired man asked his friend worriedly.

"I don't know," answered a perplexed Moony, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I was just walking through here when a big piece of metal came out of nowhere and hit me."

"Are you serious?" gasped Mrs. Weasely as she began fussing over Remus' bruised nose. At that statement, Sirius opened his mouth but everyone in the room gave him the "Shut-up Sirius!" look and he closed it again.

"Yeah, 'know what you're talking 'bout Remus," slurred Mundungus Fletcher as he stumbled into the room. "I came in here the other day for something and blimey, that damn clock through something and hit me in the toe."

"So the clocks throwing things at people?" asked Tonks, slightly amused.

"Yeah and it's got pretty good aim too," mumbled Remus, glaring at the old grandfather clock in the corner. It stared back at him innocently.

"Must've been hexed or something in the past," mused Tonks as she cautiously moved closer to the clock, careful not to get whacked in the head by a rogue gear or something.

"Probably by my mother," stated Sirius moodily "she never was very fond of guests."

"Guess that adds one more thing to our list of taming in this house," sighed Ginny. The rest of the "clean-up crew" nodded simultaneously.

"Well we should probably go ahead and fix this," said Mrs. Weasely "we don't want the clock to injure anyone else." At this, she gave Remus a sympathetic look. Remus, however, looked quite happy at the idea of "fixing" the clock and instantly transfigured a nearby fork into a crowbar.

"Er, Moony? What exactly are you planning on doing with that?" asked Sirius smirking, but looking quite nervous at the same time.

"Fixing the clock," replied Remus nonchalantly, but grinning evilly at the clock as he rubbed his bruised nose. Everyone in the room exchanged a worried glance; the last thing they needed on their hands was an unhinged werewolfonly days before the full moon.

An hour later Mission: Exercise the Demon Clock was coming to order. The "team", led by Remus and Sirius, was arguing about how to go about fixing the clock; which actually meant that Remus and Sirius alone were arguing about how to fix the clock.

"You can't do that Padfoot! The bloody clock will start foaming at the gears and chase anyone who walks within 15 feet of it!"

"How do you know?"

"Well I **was** a Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor! I think I know how to dismantle a hexed grandfather clock!"

"Oh yeah?" huffed Sirius, thinking of a comeback, "I thought all you knew how to do was drink out of the toilet and chase your tail!" This seemed to have touched a nerve.

"Why don't you just feed it one of your pork chops then? That would kill anything!"

"My pork chops!" squealed Sirius as he ran to the kitchen to check on his long forgotten meal. Remus rolled his eyes, Hermione and Ginny giggled, and the rest of the group also looked quite amused as loud banging noises erupted from the kitchen as Sirius tried to extinguish the fire that now engulfed his poor pork chops and most of the remnants of the stove. Mrs. Weasely could now be heard screeching "Sirius! What in the name of…!" as she effectively put out the flames with her wand. Remus took the opportunity of Sirius being gone to quickly charm the clock, thinking better of his crowbar tactic, and when Sirius returned looking quite like his own pork chops the clock was fixed.

Looking very crestfallen and sad that they had fixed the clock without him, Sirius picked up his meat poker with a black, shriveled hunk of something on the end of it. He then smiled at the group and said "Anyone hungry?" The group of teenagers quickly ran out of the nearest exit they could find, which left poor Remus alone in the room to deal with Sirius and his "experiment". Grinning evilly, Sirius started to walk toward the werewolf, his charcoaled pork chop coming dangerously close to the Remus' mouth. With that, Remus picked up the discarded crowbar and prepared to fight it out to the death. After all, Sirius might have survived for two years eating nothing but rats, but there was no way Remus was going to eat that horrific piece of meat Sirius classified as "food".


End file.
